Shiny and self-absorbed in the need to succeed at all costs…
I have met her again and again all of my life.
He’s the center stage always…
The life of every party…
Hides behind every joke and story…
The class clown…
Handsome and charming….
Do you ever get tired of people who work so hard to be perfect?
I just want to know people as they are- your authentic inner child…. I get sick of hearing about successes…. How the spotlight always has to be on the ego…. I want our inner children to meet. I don’t want to operate on this outer plane before us any more…. This plane built on “success” which keeps our world running…
Sculpture by Alexander Milov
I am not here to build on egos. I am only here to love… No more than that…
I saw Bishop Vance Oldes skate dancing on a random IG post the algorithms decided to bring up and remembered years of skating as a child. I remember the other neighborhood children dusting me and me working so hard to learn how to skate with them over the years. I will skate again, I have decided!
Now I await for its arrival in the mail. This is after I took my first aerial hammock
lesson on Zoom this week, began taping my first lyra. I didn’t finish because I ran out of hoop tape.
All of this is also after I started voice and piano lessons in the winter.
It’s as if the lack of physical travel has prompted my spirit to wander around in other playgrounds besides the globe.
To be honest, I often feel invisible and learning new skills keeps my mind in the present and just cheerful enough. Otherwise, Inner Child is yelling, “What about me?!”with Her big ego, yet She’s unsure what She even has to offer if She were given the opportunity. I don’t understand it and wish She would stop feeling so left out all of the time. It really isn’t necessary to be or feel seen, Child!
Many great things happened today…
I skipped zumba and napped again like I have done many times, as my round tummy will attest…
It’s difficult to keep my energy up! So many daily rises and dips in energy which I cannot control…. It’s frustrating. I wanted to be at zumba. I wanted to be up early and writing some books I have been working on. I want to sleep through the night rather than awaking at 2 or 3 AM. My last load of cleaned laundry has been sitting in my dryer for at least a week…
I finally caved last week and got a robot to do my floors. His name is Scotty or Scottito because he reminds me of a little Scottish terrier or a white cat (gatito) because he fits into tight spaces. He sweeps and mops by squirting a stream of urine water onto the floor and rolling over it! 😂
I need to draw a face on him…googly eyes perhaps….
The best parts of today was the food provided by parents at work for Teacher Appreciation Week and a class observation I did (I do these regularly as part of my work).
They were my former students from last year, now being taught by a rock star of a first year teacher. Gordito sat snacking on fistfuls of popcorn, wearing a clear plastic visor. Skinny dashed in and some staff blocked him from wreaking chaos, redirecting him back to his Speech session. Gordito teared up, startled. Hil Morton (Yes, I named her alias after the Morton salt girl whom she looks and sometimes dresses like) saw the reaction and came out from her desk in the corner. Knowing Hil’s penchant for violence, I stood between the two. Peering around me at her classmate, she quietly picked up my left index finger over head and did a twirl as if we were ballroom dancing and I was twirling my partner. Then, at her teacher’s command, she returned to her desk. I returned from this brief and rare moment of human contact during pandemic and went back to being a spectator, hiding myself so as not to distract the children from their studies.
Conversation I had with a friend over the weekend
Funny thing is, as child-me grows, dashing out from my corner desk and doing twirls, adult-me still feels small and sings to herself this mantra:
Never ask me what I am doing that’s new or when the last time I’ve done something new unless you want to read an essay! Haha!
What have you done that’s new lately and does novelty keep you going like it does for me?
Her name was Sally. I didn’t know her in life, but as I walk the trails around the park and open space preserve near my house, I imagine that she must have walked the same trails and saw the same city views when she was alive. From her estate sale, I have some of her plants, some ceramics in which I placed some of the plants, a box of old recipes she cut out from now yellowed newspapers which I intended to dump out and recycle so that I could reuse the box, this beautiful card she painted hanging on my fridge and a couple of sketch books which I had thought were blank but actually has some of her sketches, poetry and some budget calculations she wrote in it from maybe the 80s. Others at the sale expressed the same curiosity about her and her life. I wonder after we pass if people will be drawn to our energy in the same way… At first anyhow, and then eventually we are all forgotten.
I am on Spring Break right now and thought I would get some WordPressing that has been building up out of my system. I think about all of you! This is the second spring break I did not return home due to the pandemic. Before these two breaks, I wrote about Qing Ming Jie, which was this last weekend. Everyday, on my way to work, I pass a cemetery. Sometimes, as I pass, new graves are being dug. Always, the little cemetery has so many flowers, balloons and other tokens of remembrance. About a year ago, I read in the news that a man was even murdered here: a gunshot by a passerby. Who is to say who the passerby was? Sometimes I pass by and there are people bowing and praying. This Easter weekend, many people had chairs out and sat together: the living and the dead.
Recently, I teared up because this
reminded me of my grandparents. My friend says that in the Latino community, they talk about the style of grandparents all of the time. How would you describe your style?
I would describe mine as follows..
My Wardrobe Style
Comfy- able to move around in, can fall asleep in, loungey / suitable for exercise
Bottoms are interchangeable- meaning they match multiple tops, preferably with deep pockets.
Colorful tops preferred
Tops are semi-casual so that I can wear to either formal or informal places.
Items are ethical/ sustainably sourced or made in USA or used.
Long sleeved tops to block sun or cover up tops to go over sleeveless are preferred so that I can push sleeves up when it gets hot.
Form flattering designs such as shelf bras, v-necks, a-lines, fabrics that fall a certain way are preferred
Dresses and skirts must have pockets
Skorts are awesome.
Shoes should be ergonomic, interchangeable with multiple outfits and multi-purpose
Wrinkle resistant clothing is awesome.
Tencel, cotton and other breathable fabrics that don’t stink when one sweats are great.
Another great feature is when there’s layers or a shelf bra so that I don’t have to wear a bra.
Classic preferred over trends/ fads
Embroidery is attractive.
Tops with wide necklines that make pairing with bras with straps suck.
Reversible items are awesome because you can pair them with multiple other clothing pieces which means you save closet space.
I use blazers and eternity scarves as accessories to dress up a t-shirt so it’s ok to have accessories if I use them.
I took a trip to IKEA over the weekend and rearranged my place with the new items. I hope to spend the rest of my spring break cleaning (now that you know…the important task of decorating has been done), reading and writing… It’s quiet at my place: just me, my clothes, furniture (and there isn’t much of either of the latter two) and my thoughts about the dead and the living.
I am so very grateful for this time to slow down! What are some of your gratitudes today?
Human existence in my life at this stage is work, work, and work and then these moments of connection (photographed above). When I have been too busy in the cell of my office, I leave work and suddenly am flooded with loneliness when I am no longer busy. Then, if I take the time to look up at the sky, there’s connection to myself and to all impermanent beings. Of course, sometimes I don’t take those precious moments, but daylight savings has helped to extend the daylight hours so that I have a little more time in the regenerative sunlight.
What is human existence at this stage in your life? Who are you? When do you feel most lonely? When do you feel most connected? When do you feel the power of destruction? When do you feel the power of creation? Or perhaps what you are feeling is neither of these? What is it that you are feeling in your space now?
Lately, my inner child is fed and yet hungry again quickly. She wants to live and dream. She demands attention and wants to sing, dance and speak.
I don’t know what’s gotten into her and I feed her with love. She’s unlike my inner critics and ego because she’s ok with imperfection. She’s a child and flawless. She is curiosity, wonderment, delight and sometimes sadness; but most of all, she’s joie de vivre.
Happy Friday!- Whatever that may or may not mean to you. For many people in quarantine/ lockdown and/or retired, Fridays mean nothing much. For me, it is the end of a long work week. It is the day my very young yet patient music instructor and I meet on Zoom for my music lessons. Staying home on Friday nights is something we both began doing some time after the pandemic began. Have you started anything new during pandemic?
This morning, I woke up and decided to gift myself with 15 minutes of writing time. What have you given yourself lately? Though I have been perusing your fantastic blogs, I haven’t taken the time to update my own.
As I write ( or rather type), I am listening to this playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/37i9dQZF1E4pSmbbBcU4Jx?si=KcMb613HQVaIwA80A4Xw9g . I am sipping my hot coffee and smelling the appetizing sweet aroma of a pear arugula walnut flatbread coming from the toaster oven. The sounds of the contracted workers my landlord hired to remodel the yard outside digging and hammering away already before 7AM can be heard through my thin walls.
I have been thinking about writing so many things down over the past few weeks, but hadn’t sat down and taken the time to do so.
About a week or two ago ( I can’t really understand or grasp the concept of time), I didn’t feel well ( likely just food poisoning) and visited a local emergency room. As I sat waiting for many hours, I narrated in my head all of the stories I wanted to share with you the stories I was observing of the many visitors and workers in the hospital. I did not tell my parents I took this expensive trip to the hospital. I only mused to myself of the stories; a few of which include:
A seemingly regular visitor talking to himself in the corner as the nurses showed clear annoyance and familiarity with him.
A little boy whose mother had brought him in because he had passed out after his brother had knocked him out. He was given an echocardiogram.
A man who came in because of his dizziness and pain after a chiropractor visit.
A young man whom the nurses kicked out after his fourth visit for the week. The man had a severe headache and kept rocking himself to soothe his pain. He did not understand English well. The nurses were frustrated because of the communication barrier and threatened to have him escorted out by security since they had already seen him so many times with no results. (Doesn’t anyone use Google Translate?! Also, it’s not that difficult to find someone who speaks Spanish and English!)
The nurses’ conversations debating whether to allow terminal COVID-19 patients final visitors from family members because their superiors would come after them.
This morning, I am feel gratitude for so many things: my friends and family, my upcoming music lesson, my job, my home and my general good health are among many things. What do you feel grateful for this morning?
And now, it is suddenly time to finish the sip and bite of my breakfast and rush off to the final day of the work week.
I will share more stories/ thoughts again soon!
Dearest Readers, what are you reading these days?
Books in My Life I am Feeling Excited About Lately:
Rereading the book The Power of Full Engagement currently.
Joining an online multillingual book club. We’re reading La Sombra del Viento this month.
Final thought for today….
We are oscillatory beings in a oscillatory universe. Rhythmicity is our inheritance.
The Power of Full Engagement, Jim Loehr and Tony Schwartz
Arrived to find these by my door! From a neighbor!What a beautiful hand painted surprise! A lovely card! Thank you! It’s funny that you say you forgot what you painted on the card you sent because I forgot what I sent to you until you described it!
It’s Friday evening and I’m actually home. My view that normally overlooks the glow of city lights below tonight is obscured by dark clouds and soft pitter patter of the rain. I’ve just finished dinner and I’m sitting here looking outside the sliding glass doors while sipping some hot tea. In this moment, I am content. I invite you here to sit by my side in this momentary contentment so you that we may share a smile!
This week was exhausting but the moments of connection: phone calls, cards, gifts, and so on were both surprising and wonderful no matter how exhausted I was!
Last year, I was sick on my birthday but my parents came to visit and we went to the beach in SF. My cousins came the following weekend.
This week, I was in good health and many friends, coworkers and family called and texted for various reasons. While my week was so full and exhausting, I am feeling loved 🥰 and grateful!
I have been meaning to post more photos of these lovely postings of gratitude written for our fire fighters like the photo above.
This weekend, I am doubly thankful for the fire fighters.
At approximately 2am on Friday evening, I awoke to the sounds of a man’s voice from outside disturbing the night’s silence. “Everyone, wake up! Fire!!!!”
I tried to go back to sleep but the voice was persistent. And then I thought, “What if there really is a fire?” So I got up and crept to my sliding glass doors, pulling the curtains aside to peek outside. To my horror, the sky was red with flames!
My heart beating quickly, in seconds I pulled on some pants from my closet, putting them on under my t-shirt and grabbed my passport, laptop bag, cash, and backpack with yoga mat. Yes, by this time in the fire season, I can be ready to go in seconds.
I opened my door to see the wind carrying the embers and ashes towards me from a wall of flames higher on the mountain and down towards the city.
The flames were so close! Would I even be able to get to my car before the flames did?! Maybe foot would be a better bet…
But I could not leave! I began pounding on doors and calling neighbors.
As I waited for my elderly neighbors to put socks on (who puts on socks?! Last evacuation, they stayed and finished washing dishes and watering their garden!), several fire trucks arrived and parked in the streets, blocking off any possible traffic in both directions. They swiftly connected to a fire hydrant and put out the flames. They were gone by 3:15 am.
I have been somewhat exhausted the rest of my weekend but ever so grateful!!!!
