For the last few months, I have felt so depleted of energy. I haven’t done much hiking, played piano or yoga or reading and writing (my favorite hobbies). I’m not sure how to get myself out of this rut. 😦
On Monday, I turn 32 and I feel completely unaccomplished in my life. Last year, for my birthday, I went for a Walk to Feed the Hungry and just could not get one single person to go with me! This year, I didn’t even try, as I find it infuriating and disempowering that people would rather go to Halloween parties than walk to feed the hungry.
Last night, a friend I meant during my overseas travels invited to me all of these great places globetrotting with her and her friends. I texted her my work schedule and she was like, “That’s not a lot of days off…Hard to plan a vacation. Keep in touch.” I am grateful she keeps me in mind in her travels… However, when Veteran’s Day and Thanksgiving break comes, I sorta wish to just catch up with me… Paying bills, cleaning house, and so on… This weekend, I am going to be out all weekend just because I felt obligated to visit a friend before she has her second born… I haven’t even purchased a gift yet. There’s always so much to do and I don’t know how to reclaim my life. It’s a common theme in my life and it won’t be the last time I struggle with this.. I’m not sure how to create and sustain long term healthy habits.
I wanted my life to feel/ be different by this point in my life… I want to feel more empowered and less helpless. I have a lot of desires, I suppose. I just need to have better patience with myself because this will translate to better patience with others. I have to accept that I am who I am and the progress I make is the progress I make at the rate I make it in.
I want to simplify my life. I want to drop ballet and modern dance and concentrate on yoga. I am falling so far behind in yoga and piano since taking up ballet and modern… I thought dance would help my yoga, but I just don’t have the energy for both. It’s time to accept things as they are and move on.
Last week, I was at a meeting at work and I was quite agitated because one of the team members did not pull his weight. All members of the team had prepared their parts in writing and communicated with the student’s family members prior to the meeting and one person came in late and completely unprepared. The person sitting next to me at work must have sensed my agitation and said to me, “You just have to accept that he didn’t do his part.” The gravity and wisdom of his words hit me instantly and calmed me because I realized there just wasn’t any changing something I could not control. Here I am now recalling that moment. I understand that I have seemed unsettled because I have so many goals/ hobbies and feel overwhelmed. Now, recalling that moment, I accept that life progresses at its own rate without my control.
“You’ll never hear a rosebush grunt and strain, trying to force its buds to open. There is wisdom within the rose that knows when it’s time to unfold.”-Dennis Merritt Jones