Self Pity is So Unbecoming

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“Growth happens when we’re uncomfortable. I know this from my (long gone) days as a runner; sore muscles will grow stronger as they heal.”

-Laura Randazzo’s WordPress

The words of a fellow blogger really spoke to me today. You see, for whatever reason, I feel stressed and overwhelmed this week. Maybe not enough sleep… I came home from work and instead of running, I just decided to curl up on the couch and sleep because if I didn’t sleep the other thought was to cry. Sometimes it feels like I do so much to help and all that happens is people ask for more. I can hear my mother’s voice in my head calling me “lazy” for spending my free time sleeping and saying that I’m just like my grandpa on my dad’s side, sleeping all of the time. I probably would have felt better about myself if I had gone running… And now it’s nearly 9PM and I’ve yet to eat dinner or run. Maybe I do regret somethings in life… Never thought I did. Haha! Maybe I don’t get enough sleep and the amount of sleep I need is genetic and I have that “lazy gene” or maybe sleep is my coping mechanism. I don’t know which is true or if perhaps it’s a bit of both.

Last week, my principal told me that he would observe a lesson I did this week because it is required of him, but as far as he is concerned, I have a job for as long as I want to stay… I think this judgment is unfounded on his part, but I kept my mouth shut as I have learned that people will value you to be as good as you are confident. It’s nice to have someone who has faith in me and I wish I felt the same way. Instead, I feel discomfort. In my head, I’ve given myself this time limit of three years to get this right and then move on to something else. Is there such a thing as mastery or do you just become more prepared and organized for the new school year with each passing year?

When I am away from work, I often feel lonely but I don’t have the energy to go out and all of my close friends are busy with their children. The only times I don’t feel lonely are when I am hiking, doing yoga, playing piano, exploring or traveling. I often fantasize about just traveling, but I would regret this because I want to have enough money to support my parents when they retire. But the point is, why use my free time fantasizing about running away and traveling when I can stay with my discomfort and grow from it? Why go to sleep during the day when I can grow from my discomfort????? I’m also thinking I might get too comfortable here and not want to create some of those dreams I have in my head. I guess time will answer all of the questions I ask of if my life continues on its current course. Whatever path it takes, I don’t expect things to be easy or comfortable and I expect much growth.

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One response »

  1. do what you expect of yourself and not as much those around you expect. if you need the sleep, then sleep. if you enjoy being at yoga etc, then do those things. i see you as being more in control of your life and not your life controlling you
    no regrets.

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