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door

When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.

Alexander Graham Bell

As the sun sets tonight, I find myself feeling sadness.

I’ve been wanting to write for some time now. I have so many thoughts and questions in my head…

It was my yoga teacher’s last day today. I don’t understand why I feel so sad about this! He’s moving…Not dying! I guess emotions aren’t always rational…

There’s a quiet…a stillness in the house save the shadows of the windblown trees silhouetted in the swiftly fading golden light of the setting sun outside and my mind drifts to other events that help wrap the blanket of sadness around me tighter….

The odd one-word text message from my best friend who isn’t picking up her phone today, “patentductusarteriosas.” It scares me. Does it mean this is the condition of her youngest child?

About a week ago, I heard from a ghost… Text messages for two days from someone I haven’t heard from in the seven years since our divorce. This last week, his mother and sister traveled the long distance to go see him. I think something is wrong and have to accept that there is still nothing I can do even after all of these years. I am not sure why he reached out to me as if there was something I could do about his troubles. I could never fix him before and don’t have the power to do so now. I didn’t tell his family he had contacted me in case of any assumptions his wife might harbor.

And so this thought of relief washes over me…I can’t control it. I have no control over any of this… No control over if people I like move away, if children may struggle with heart conditions and over whether my ex is resilient enough to pick himself back up…And I am okay with that because if I could foresee those events, I wouldn’t have been pleasantly  surprised by all of the moments that brought wonderment and happiness to my life this week: taking my mom to her first bowling game, playing with my nephews, meeting several new workout partners and making a few new friends, reconnecting with old friends … So many things… I like life as it is: unpredictable….capricious…melodious at times and cacophonous at other times…

Update: My friend’s text was accidental and for work, not regarding her kids at all. Phew!

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