Monthly Archives: January 2018

Perceptions of Pain and Perfection and Perhaps Panama


Perception is everything.

I perceived Sunday to be the perfect day: I awoke and spent time with my boyfriend. I downloaded an audio book, an English translation of Victor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning and listened to it as I drove. I taught yoga. I went to the crowded grocery market and returned home where I cooked dinner, ate and spent some time on the piano. I showered, did some yoga and went to bed. That was a perfect day. Unextraordinary but remarkably enjoyable right down to finding the parking spot at the in the parking lot at the market, a feat in itself at the location I where I was shopping.

Yesterday was a beautiful day, but I did not perceive things to go perfectly because my mind was back to being anxious. Winter break ended and I started back at my various part time jobs. I awoke and did my yoga. I laid down and listened to the rain. It was easy to meditate yesterday because we had the rare and precious sights and sounds of rain: a sound bath. I know I need to work on meditating under all conditions (I picture Thich Quang Duc’s 1963 self-immolation protest…The man meditated while being burned alive!), but the practice is yet new to me.  I went for a run, ate breakfast, dressed and went to work at one of my jobs after making a phone call and email for another job. At some point in the day, I was speaking with a young red head I had just met at work. We spoke of work and then my gaze drifted to the window and we spoke about how much as desert natives, we enjoyed the rain. She mentioned that she once studied abroad in Spain and the people never understood why she enjoyed the rain and snow there so much. We went back to our seats where I checked my email. I had gotten a reply with bad news from the job I had emailed in the morning. It’s the first day of the spring semester at the university and they had not gotten me any interns to supervise because all of the interns this quarter had chosen to study instruction of students with mild/moderate disabilities rather than my specialty: moderate/ severe disabilities. I reacted by going straight to the websites I frequently peruse and immediately found a job to apply for in Panama. When I got home, I got another unwelcome message from a different job and I set out to obtain this job in Panama. I applied for it and got a confirmation this morning that the agency had received my application.

I reacted emotionally. I was told the university needed someone with my expertise several months back. I had put so much time and other offers aside for this job at the university that I knew wouldn’t pay much because I wanted to use my knowledge and skill base. I had jumped through so many hoops and online seminars for them unpaid and now they give me a quarter with no students and no pay.

A few weeks ago, one of the ladies whose organization I teach yoga for started coaching me through the process of starting a non-profit, but I feel like my ideas are going nowhere. Nothing seems good enough yet. Maybe I need a break from working on something that kept me going for weeks.

I feel like I’ve met so much failure lately and want to do something completely different. I feel like there is no room for growth around here: only stagnation and more of the same.

Tomorrow is my mom’s next appointment. It’s been a while since she’s asked me to go with her. Tomorrow I am supposed to go with her to see the doctor so that I can help her ask for a new nurse. Her current one has a talent for bruising her : the bruises are ginormous. I welcome spending the day with my mom at the doctor because it’s one of the only ways to see her any more. She has dedicated herself to working as much as she can in hopes of making enough to retire within a few years. I haven’t told her about my day yesterday and how I reacted by applying for a job in Panama where I would be so very far from everyone and everything I love and know if I got the job.

I told my boyfriend about it. He is always so calm. “You’ll figure things out,” he simply says reassuringly, no hint of anxiety in his voice. Maybe yesterday WAS a perfect day after all.


Gratitude, Nostalgia and Well Wishes


Hope all of you enjoyed Christmas (or whatever holiday/ vacation you may have gotten) as much as I did! I went caroling for the first time. I saw Santa’s reindeer…


…Including Rudolph. (Doesn’t this ride give new meaning to the song Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”? This was what Santa showed up in this year at the equine therapy center Christmas party.

IMG_3421I enjoyed pretending to be Martha Stewart placing poinsettia on wine bottle and creating a giant bow for this popcorn tin. Gift wrapping is not my forte but I love to decorate the gifts because it hides any possible wrinkles in the wrapping paper when I wrap and place bows and other decor on. IMG_3419

I had the great fortune of being invited to go on a camping trip for a few days with some friends. Here’s the view from my tent.


IMG_3493My friends whom invited me came very prepared with their RV stocked with all kinds of goodies including this lobster.

Here’s a panoramic of the lovely beach we stayed by:IMG_3530 (1)

I thoroughly enjoyed my Christmas and hope you did too!

I then had the honor of celebrating my boyfriend’s 30th birthday with him. Here’s what he chose to eat for his birthday  dinner:


He had the four asada tacos. The asada fries and elote were mine. We went rollerblading afterwards.

I invited a few local people to spend the New Year hiking with me as I did not feel like driving. I was bummed and starting to thinking no one was going to show because they were all hung over from New Year’s Eve festivities when my boyfriend pulled up. We went to see the first sunset and moon rise of the new year together. We hiked about two or three miles up a mountain….


I had to stop to photograph these:


Here is my darling waiting for me patiently and holding my sweater for me while I shoot my photos:


We came upon a few people up there including the mother and daughter with their family dog in the distant background and  this novelist who said he hiked up to this point  from another trail, another city almost every day  to contemplate life and work on his writing. He said that it was a miracle that we were looking down over 3 million people and there were just the three of us up there enjoying the New Year at that exact moment.


Here are the last rays of the sun of the New Year:


May your New Year be filled with much peace, prosperity, health and happiness!